How to Stop Negative Self-Talk and Self-Criticism: A Midlife Mindset Reset for Clarity, Confidence, and Calm
PODCAST · EPISODE № 009
Listen to the full episode:
In this episode of Create Your Midlife™, Dr. Oksana Skidan explores how to stop negative self-talk and quiet the inner critic that steals energy, confidence, and joy. Through real stories, performance psychology, and practical tools, she shares how midlife women can reset their mindset and rebuild self-trust before the new year.
🧭 In This Episode:
• Why midlife women struggle with self-criticism and perfectionism
• The psychology behind negative self-talk
• How to use one question — “Is this thought positive or negative?” — to reframe your mind instantly
• How to start the 17-Day Clean Mind practice and rebuild confidence from within
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Transcript:
Oksana Skidan (00:00)
You've been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens. — Louise Hay.
It's December — the season of lights, plans, and long to-do lists. Everywhere we look, there’s a mix of celebration and pressure: shopping, gatherings, expectations, and endless conversations about how the year went.
And somewhere in between all that noise, there’s another voice — the one inside your own head. The one that says you didn’t do enough, you could have handled that better, you should have been more patient, more organized, more something.
The truth is, most of that criticism doesn’t come from the outside. It’s not your family, your co-workers, or social media — it’s you. It’s the internal dialogue that never seems to stop repeating its favorite lines.
And that’s what I want to talk about today. I want to take a closer look at that voice — where it started, how it shapes the way we move through our days, and how we can shift it toward something kinder.
I’ll also share what I decided to do for the remaining 17 days of 2025 — and why this is a must if we want to enter 2026 with a clear mind and a calm sense of direction.
So take a breath, maybe grab a cup of tea, coffee, or something stronger — and let’s begin.
The holidays have a way of magnifying everything — the joy, the pace, and the pressure. You know how it goes: we’re wrapping gifts, making lists, juggling plans, and somewhere between the coffee and the to-do list, we’re already criticizing ourselves.
Maybe it’s about how we look in the mirror. Maybe it’s about how much we’re doing — or not doing. Maybe it’s that quiet guilt that says, “I should be happier. I should be more grateful. I should be handling it all better.”
Did you know that most women I talk to tell me the same thing? Before breakfast, they’ve already said a few unkind things to themselves.
And studies actually show this isn’t rare — nearly half of women start their mornings with self-criticism before 9:30 a.m. Around 70% of women feel some form of body dissatisfaction. And it’s not just about appearance — it’s about that mental noise that follows us through the day, whispering, not enough.
No wonder that by midlife, stress and exhaustion show up not just in our bodies but in how we speak to ourselves.
And here’s a question I want to ask you: what if that’s the real reason your goals never feel enough? Not because you’re not doing enough — but because the voice in your head keeps undoing everything you try.
When I was performing, every note, of course, mattered — two-hour recitals, standing ovations — and yet my mind would go straight to those few notes that weren’t perfect, that I personally didn’t like. And that’s how perfectionism trains self-criticism — it teaches you to look for what’s wrong, even inside what’s right.
Now, let’s be honest — most of us didn’t wake up one day and decide to be hard on ourselves. We were trained to be. Many of us grew up in environments where perfection equaled love, approval, and safety. We learned early that being good meant being flawless.
For me, it started in my performance years. Every note, every gesture, every phrase mattered. And if one thing went wrong, it erased everything that went right. That’s how the brain learns to connect worth with flawless execution.
You may not have been on a stage, but I’m sure you know this pattern. In school, at home, at work — we were praised for results, not for doing our best. And parents, teachers, mentors — they all meant well. This is very important — they wanted to prepare us for life. But in that process, love and approval started to feel conditional — something we earned, not something we simply had. And that’s how our inner critic was born — as a bodyguard that never got updated on who we’ve become. It was trying to keep us safe, but it kept us small.
Over time, those external expectations turned inward. We started comparing ourselves to everyone else — their timelines, their careers, their families, their reflections.
And what was once a drive to grow became a habit of measuring. We learned to measure instead of simply be. But it’s not just personal — it’s also cultural. The messages we grew up with shaped how we see humility, worth, and what it means to be a “good woman.”
In my Ukrainian culture, self-praise was once seen as improper. You didn’t speak kindly about yourself — that was considered arrogance. Humility was proven through self-criticism. Over time, that belief twisted something good into something limiting.
What started as a moral value — the idea of staying grounded and modest — slowly backfired. It produced generations of women who learned to dim their own light just to appear humble. Women who can name their flaws faster than they can name their strengths.
And the result? A world full of accomplished, capable, amazing women still feeling like they need permission to feel proud of who they are.
Imagine teaching a child to walk but refusing to praise them — only correcting their mistakes to keep them humble. That child would probably still be crawling, afraid to stand again after every fall. And that’s exactly what many of us have done to ourselves. We withhold approval so we don’t appear proud. We confuse self-acceptance with ego.
And now, as adults, we’re still crawling emotionally, when all along we were meant to fly. So this inner critic — born from perfectionism and raised by culture — has been running the show for years. That may sound like bad news, but the good news is that awareness is the beginning of rewiring. And that’s exactly what these remaining seventeen days of 2025 are about.
I’m personally taking these days to clear my mind of self-criticism — both internal and external. Because even though I’ve come a long way with my inner critic, that voice still loves to appear at the most unpredictable moments. And of course, I’m inviting you to do the same.
Join me — and maybe bring a few of your girlfriends along to make it more fun. We could all use a lighter mind before the year ends. I even invited my seventeen-year-old son and my husband. After all, why not? A clean mind doesn’t have an age or gender limit. It’s something we can all benefit from.
Now let me take you back to the Eastman School of Music. When I was working on my Doctorate of Musical Arts, I used to spend hours every day practicing in the rehearsal rooms. One afternoon, my friend Jeffrey stopped by. We started talking, and then he said something I still remember. He looked at me and said, “I need to go. You’re so negative — it’s making me negative.”
Looking back, well, first of all, I still can’t believe how brave he was to say that — but it was exactly what I needed to hear at that time. That moment was my wake-up call. Negativity doesn’t stay inside; it radiates. Even when we think we’re being quiet, our energy speaks first — our tone, our posture, our expressions, even the pace we move.
They all carry emotional signals. The body becomes a loudspeaker for the thoughts we repeat to ourselves. You know that moment when someone’s saying all the right things, but something just feels off? You don’t feel right, even though you can’t quite name why. That’s the silent energy of misalignment. We all transmit what we believe about ourselves long before we ever open our mouths.
That day in the practice room, my self-criticism was so thick in the air that Jeffrey could feel it. That’s when I understood — if I don’t change my inner language, I’ll keep infecting my outer world.
And maybe you’ve felt that too — when your energy enters a room before you do, when people can sense your tension before you even speak. That’s how powerful our inner language really is.
Years later, after teaching, coaching, and studying plenty of psychology, neuroscience, and performance behavior, I finally understood how and why our inner dialogue actually shapes our brain and behavior.
Our brain is busy — really busy. You’ve probably heard the claim that we have somewhere between sixty and ninety thousand thoughts a day, and that about ninety-five percent of them are repeats — many of them negative.
While the exact numbers vary, and newer research suggests it may be fewer — closer to a few thousand distinct thoughts — the idea still holds true. Most of what runs through our mind is repetitive, familiar, and often not very kind. That means most of us are living inside the same mindset, having the same conversations with ourselves over and over again.
If your inner dialogue was critical yesterday, it’s most likely echoing again today — not because you choose it, but because your brain loves familiarity. The brain doesn’t care whether a thought is true; it cares whether it’s familiar. That’s how habits of thinking form. Repetition wires pathways, which is why your inner critic can feel so automatic.
So if we want to live differently, we have to think differently — not once, but consistently. Research shows that changing a habit takes an average of sixty-six days. For some people, it happens faster; for others, it takes longer — anywhere between eighteen and two hundred fifty days, depending on the person and the pattern.
So there’s no magic number. Your brain isn’t a stopwatch. What truly matters is repetition with awareness. Each time you catch and redirect a negative thought, you begin reshaping your neural pathways — one small adjustment at a time.
That’s why this seventeen-day challenge works. It’s a simple, clean reset — long enough to notice your patterns, to feel a difference, and to step into the new year with a mind that’s quieter and kinder. For many, seventeen days will be enough to spark real rewiring. For others, it’s already more than halfway there.
But honestly, what could be more life-changing than ending 2025 and entering 2026 with a completely different level of mindset, self-awareness, and self-relationship? Because when your inner language shifts, your energy, your presence, and your confidence rise with it.
This isn’t just a mental reset — it’s a reintroduction to the woman you’re becoming.
So we’ve talked about where negative self-talk begins, how it shows up in your energy, and even how it’s wired into your brain. Now let’s make it simple — something you can actually use every single day of your busy holiday schedule. Because real change doesn’t come from knowing; it comes from noticing and taking action. And this tool — this one simple filter — will help you do exactly that.
Here it is: “Is this thought positive or negative?”
That’s it. Just that question. If it’s negative, you stop it — no debate, no justification, no “I’m just being honest.” This filter works because it’s clear and objective — there’s no emotional loophole.
It trains your brain to label the tone of a thought in real time. You can use it anywhere — with your self-talk, your body image, your relationships, even at work. It’s instant accountability. Every time you catch yourself, you decide. You notice your thought, you ask the question: positive or negative? And if you need to, you reframe it.
For example:
A thought — “I didn’t do enough.”
Question — positive or negative?
Answer — negative.
Reframe — “I did what I could today.”
Another thought, a very common one — “I’m behind.”
Positive or negative? Reframe — “I’m exactly where I am, because this is real life, and real life doesn’t always follow the plan on paper.”
“I failed.” — clearly negative.
Reframe — “I learned something valuable.”
Keep your focus on what’s positive, true, and real. That’s how you start building a clean, grounded mind — one thought at a time.
Now, let’s address what you might be thinking: “Isn’t this just putting on rose-colored glasses? Life isn’t all positive.”
And you’re absolutely right — it’s not. But this isn’t about pretending that everything is perfect. It’s about remembering that a thought is just a thought until we give it power.
Negative or positive, both will appear — but our reaction to them is what shapes our reality. If you already know that negative thoughts trigger negative emotions, and those emotions lead to negative choices, then why feed them?
Being critical doesn’t prepare you for life — it only keeps you in defense mode. We’ve been taught that being “realistic” means bracing for what could go wrong, but that’s an outdated belief.
Just think about how many times you worried yourself sick, replayed the same scenario, criticized every little thing you said or did — only to realize later that none of it actually happened the way you feared. Maybe you thought you sounded foolish in a meeting, and then someone came up afterward to thank you for what you shared. Or you spent hours judging how you looked in a photo that no one else even noticed.
Most of what we worry about never comes true. But our self-criticism still costs us energy, joy, and trust in ourselves. True awareness isn’t about ignoring reality — it’s about choosing to respond from clarity, not fear. That’s not delusion. That’s modern power — self-leadership for midlife women who are ready to stop living by reaction and start living by intention.
Every year around this time, most people rush to set new goals, new plans, new routines, new promises. But here’s the truth: if those goals are built on the same foundation of self-criticism, they can’t grow into anything new.
The Clean Mind Challenge isn’t about pretending everything is perfect — it’s about making one clear decision: to stop letting negativity narrate your life. You’re not forcing positivity; you’re reclaiming authorship. Because when your inner language changes, your outer world shifts naturally. Your energy feels different, your confidence rises, and your presence becomes steady.
That’s what true self-leadership looks like — not control, but clarity.
So here’s your invitation. For the next seventeen days, stay aware of your thoughts. Use one simple filter: Is this positive or negative? If it’s negative, stop, breathe, and reframe. You don’t need perfection — you just need awareness. Every time you choose awareness over autopilot, you’re building a stronger, kinder, more powerful version of yourself.
And as you move through these last days of the year, remember: you’re not just finishing 2025 — you’re training your mind to support the woman you’re becoming in 2026.
So let’s end this year not in reaction, but in intention. Let your thoughts, your words, and your energy become the bridge between who you’ve been and who you are becoming.
Because this isn’t just a seventeen-day challenge — it’s the new standard for how you lead yourself.
✨ This is how we end the year: with ease, clarity, and presence.