The Permission Slip: How to Thrive in Midlife
Many women over 40 stop choosing what they truly want—not because the desire is gone, but because it has been interrupted, judged, and managed for years. In midlife, that pattern becomes impossible to ignore: you start noticing how often you choose what feels safe instead of what feels alive. This blog is about permission—how it gets taken away in small moments, and how to reclaim it without turning your life upside down.
Midlife is often the moment a woman stops asking whether she is allowed — and starts asking what she wants.
Dr. Oksana Skidan
Too Early, Too Shocking, Too Late
I was back home in Ukraine when I first tried red lipstick.
For weeks, I kept looking at that color. It was rich, bright, courageous—almost a little frightening. Eventually, I put it on. I was sixteen.
The moment my father saw me, he told me to take it off.
Years later, in my early thirties, I tried again. I loved how alive it made me feel, until a friend looked at me and said it was “too shocking.” Back into the drawer it went.
Then one day I had a very simple thought: at sixteen it was too early,
at thirty it was too shocking, and if I kept listening long enough,
by fifty-five it would become too late.
That was when I understood it had never been only about lipstick. It was about how easily a woman’s desire can be interrupted by someone else’s opinion until what she wants begins to feel unreasonable to her.
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It Was Never Only About Lipstick
What stayed with me was not only the lipstick itself, but the pattern around it. How quickly something you want can stop being about you at all.
The moment it appears, it gets measured. Is it appropriate? Is it attractive in the right way? Is it too much? Too loud? Too visible? Too late? Almost immediately, what you feel gets pushed aside by how it will be received.
And this isn’t limited to makeup. It shows up in a dress, a color, a laugh, a dream, a way of speaking, a way of living. So often, the first movement is not inward—Do I love this? Does this feel like me?—but outward: What will they think? How will this look? Will this be too much?
Once that habit takes hold, wanting becomes careful. It begins checking the room before it fully arrives.
Most women are not afraid of what they want. More often, their wanting has been interrupted so many times that caution begins to feel natural. The desire is still there, but it learns to wait. It learns to soften itself, explain itself, postpone itself, until one day you can begin mistaking other people’s comfort for your own truth.
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Why We Keep Choosing What Feels Safe
When I was performing, black made perfect sense to me.
On stage, it gave me seriousness, discipline, and familiarity. Most of all, it let the music stay at the center. I never wanted what I wore to distract from the composition I was there to bring to life.
What I did not realize then was that black did not stay only on the stage. It followed me into life off the stage too. It became my default, my safe choice, my way of not having to think too much. Even in the hottest summer, black still felt right because it was known.
So I was never really rejecting color. I was choosing what already made sense. And I think many women do the same in far more than clothes. You don’t always choose what feels most alive. You choose what feels familiar, what feels easy to explain, and what has already proven itself safe.
Safe has a strange power. It doesn’t ask you to defend yourself. It doesn’t draw attention. It doesn’t risk rejection. Safe lets you move through the world with fewer questions directed at you, fewer raised eyebrows, fewer comments that make you second-guess what you felt in the first place.
Over time, “safe” can start to feel like your personality. As if you simply aren’t that kind of woman. As if you don’t like bold things. As if you don’t want more.
But often, the truth is simpler. You stopped choosing what you want because choosing what you want required too much explanation.
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Why Women Over 40 Stop Choosing What They Want
Often, women don’t choose what they truly want. They choose what they know.
And what you know was, for the most part, taught from the outside. You were taught what is appropriate, what is flattering, what is practical, what is acceptable. You learned what is feminine enough, but not too much. Visible, but not too visible. Beautiful, but not bold enough to disturb anyone.
So the self was often not the first reference point. It came later, if at all. And even then, it was meant to arrive carefully. With moderation. With caution.
This is why so many women grow up becoming highly skilled at reading the room, sensing expectations, and adjusting themselves accordingly. You learn how to choose what works, what blends, what will not create discomfort. But that is very different from knowing how to choose what feels deeply, vividly your own.
By midlife—by forty, by fifty—you’ve had enough years of repeating those patterns that they can begin to look like truth. You might think you are choosing for yourself, when in reality you are still choosing from a language you inherited long ago. Not because you lack desire, but because desire was never meant to lead. It was meant to wait its turn.
And midlife has a way of making that visible.
Because time starts to feel more real. Not in a dramatic, crisis way—but in a clear way. You begin noticing how quickly life moves. You begin noticing what you’ve postponed. You begin noticing the parts of you that have been patient for a long time.
And you begin noticing something else: how often “not now” has actually meant “not allowed.”
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Why Midlife Women Need Permission to Want More
Spring arrived in Washington almost overnight, and all I could see was life opening.
The cherry blossoms moved through their changing pinks. Magnolias took their turn. Tulips stood in reds, whites, yellows, and everything in between. Even the trees seemed greener than they had just days before. Everywhere I looked, something was blooming fully, without hesitation.
What struck me was not only the beauty of it, but the freedom of it. Nature does not ask whether it is too much. It does not hold back until the timing is better. It does not bloom carefully enough to avoid opinion.
Standing inside all of that, I could feel something in me waking up too. Not only a wish for more color, but a deeper desire for more aliveness. More permission. More of that part of life that doesn’t ask so quickly whether it is allowed before it begins.
That is the part I think many women recognize in midlife. Not only the wish for something different, but the realization that wanting itself may need to be reclaimed.
Because wanting is not a childish thing. It’s not extra. It’s not frivolous.
Wanting is often the most honest signal you have.
When wanting gets muted long enough, life can still look good—and feel flat. Life can still function—and feel like it’s missing you.
And that is why midlife matters. It’s a stage where many women stop being satisfied with “fine.” Not because they are ungrateful, but because they can feel the gap between a life that works and a life that feels lived.
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What If It’s Not Too Late—What If It’s Only Permission?
Maybe the question is not whether the color suits you.
Maybe the question is whether you have allowed yourself to want it.
Because this is so often how it happens. You talk yourself out of small things for so long that the absence of them begins to feel normal. A color. A dress. A way of speaking. A room painted differently. A trip. A dream. A kind of life that once felt too much, too bright, too indulgent, too visible.
But perhaps that is not true at all.
Perhaps what feels “not me” is sometimes only the part of you that never received enough room, enough practice, enough permission to become familiar. Perhaps midlife is not the season to become someone else, but the season to stop mistaking the safe version of yourself for the whole self.
So maybe the real question is not what goes with what, or whether the red is too bright, or whether now is the right time.
Maybe the deeper question is this:
What if the life passing by is not lacking color—only permission?
And if that’s true, then midlife is not where you settle into less. It’s where you finally stop negotiating your right to want what you want.
Thank you for reading. I’m so glad you’re here — and I hope you’ll come back for more encouragement and practical ideas about creating your midlife.
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FAQs About Permission, Desire, and Wanting More in Midlife
1. Why do women over 40 stop choosing what they want?
Because many women were taught to choose what is safe, appropriate, practical, and acceptable long before they were taught to choose what they actually want. By midlife, that pattern becomes visible. A woman may realize she has spent years choosing what works, what blends, and what keeps others comfortable instead of what feels deeply her own.
2. Why does wanting something feel so hard in midlife?
Wanting can feel hard in midlife because for many women, desire was interrupted early. It was judged as too much, too visible, too bold, too selfish, or badly timed. Over time, wanting becomes careful. It learns to wait, soften itself, explain itself, or disappear before it fully arrives.
3. Why do I keep choosing what feels safe instead of what I really want?
Because safe choices are easier to explain and easier to live with. They do not ask you to defend yourself. They do not draw as much attention. They reduce the chance of criticism or rejection. After enough years, what feels safe can start to feel like identity, even when it is no longer the most honest choice.
4. What does permission have to do with midlife?
Midlife often makes permission visible. It is the stage when many women begin to notice how often “not now” has really meant “not allowed.” By forty and fifty, the gap between a life that works and a life that feels fully lived becomes harder to ignore. That is why permission becomes such a real issue in midlife.
5. How do I know if I’ve been talking myself out of what I want?
One sign is how quickly your mind moves away from desire and into explanation. Instead of asking, “Do I want this?” you may start asking, “What will people think?” “Is this too much?” “Is it too late?” “How will I explain it?” When that happens often enough, caution can start to look like personality.
6. What is one sign I need more permission in midlife?
A strong sign is when life looks fine from the outside but feels flatter than it should on the inside. You may notice that you function well, choose responsibly, and do what makes sense, but something in you feels patient, postponed, or underused. That is often not a lack of gratitude. It is a sign that wanting may need more room in your life.
7. Where do I begin?
Start with a pause. Download my Free Create Your Midlife™ Resources, listen to the latest Create Your Midlife™ Podcast, and subscribe to The Create Letter™ — your weekly reminder that midlife is not a race. It’s your season to create forward, one intentional choice at a time.